How Often Do You Really Look at a Man’s Shoes…or Values?

THE CONFLICT

Have you ever been in a disagreement someone and no matter how hard you tried you just weren’t getting your point across? You finally had to just “agree to disagree”. It can be frustrating when you think you are clearly expressing yourself, and you can’t believe how someone doesn’t seem to be picking up what you are putting down. What you might not be considering is that they are probably thinking the exact same thing.

WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING

Without always being conscious of it, we tend to assume that our thoughts and attitudes are shared among the crowd we are in and are even a reflection of the larger population. This is such a widespread and common phenomenon that some people spend a lot of time researching and studying: “Why do we assume that other people think like we do?”

While it is speculated that our doing this could stem from a need to fuel our self-esteem or from a need to project our opinions onto others, at the heart of it remains the fact that we each approach a situation with our own, unique VALUES, and we are constantly putting those values onto others.

Your values have formed over the course of your entire life and are being refined by every new experience. No one else has had the same experiences you have had, therefore no one else is going to have the same values. When you assume that other people want what you want, like what you like, and think like you think, you are putting your values on them. This misconception will leave you and the other person frustrated and disappointed every time.

THE SOLUTION

Awareness. The amazing and magical thing about awareness is that it can work instantly to help solve a problem. Here is how awareness unfolds in this situation:

FIRST

You are able to see and acknowledge that other people come into an interaction with you from their own perspective with their own values.

SECOND

You then demonstrate compassion by allowing enough space in your conversation for the other person to express their viewpoint.

THIRD

This selfless act takes the personal attack out of the disagreement and can allow the parties involved to take a more objective approach toward finding a solution.

SOLUTION SUMMARY

When you go into any situation with another person assuming they are thinking the way you are with the same values, it feels very personal when they disagree with you. But when you open yourself up to allow for two different perspectives with two different sets of values, suddenly the frustration, friction, stress, and emotions subside. The group can move forward more objectively to find a solution.

TRY IT OUT

Next time you are speaking with someone, take a brief moment to be conscious that the two of you have different values. And this part is key; while you won’t always agree with the other person’s decision or point-of-view, that’s not the endgame here. Instead, the goal is to eliminate the personal attack and hurt feelings that come as a result of complete disregard for the other person’s values and perspective. Bonus, this will allow for better, more effective communication.

THE FINAL TAKEAWAY

In 1970, Elvis Presley released his version of Joe South’s “Walk a Mile in My Shoes”. This heartfelt song encourages us to actively consider what life looks and feels like from another’s perspective, not just our own.

If I could be you, if you could be me
For just one hour
If we could find a way
To get inside each other’s mind

If you could see you through my eyes
Instead of your ego
I believe you’d be, I believe you’d be
Surprised to see
That you’ve been blind

Walk a mile in my shoes
Just walk a mile in my shoes
And before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Just walk a mile in my shoes

What a powerful and excellent message. If we would all take the time to empathize with those around us, imagine how productive and peaceful our world would be.

Today, you can simply start this awareness journey by just noticing that the other person is wearing different shoes (and values) than you. This is something for all of us to learn and be reminded of because…

“I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a man’s shoes?”

Red, The Shawshank Redemption